What can I say? It was uncharacteristically warm (32 degrees centigrade), we have both the kids in tow for reasons that escape me now. I only know it would have been out of necessity and not out of choice. I couldn't actually think of anything worse than taking our kids (who were 5 and 3 at the time) around other people's houses, some of which could possibly be filled with the sellers belongings ... or indeed the sellers themselves.
The potential for disaster was too high. Little children have little fingers that are prone to breaking things that don't belong to them or worse still, biting inanimate objects, like dining tablets, so you can "see my teeth mummy" or God forbid making comments or asking questions that may be truthful and valid, but are not appropriate to use in polite company ..... "mummy ... Mummy ... MUMMY!!!! Come and see what a mess this kitchen is." There is nothing worse than looking around someones house and hearing "There's a poo in the toilet, and its big and it's brown, there's a poo in the toilet and its brown" (sung to the tune of the well known hymm "When I Needed A Neighbour") sailing down the stairs... (Ground. Open up and swallow me whole).
Once the kids were metaphorically bound and gagged with the promise of ice cream for good behaviour we set off.
House #1 ticked most of the boxes but no off-road parking and kitchen was unfeasibly small even for someone who doesn't enjoy cooking, and complete with a British Racing Green Aga, which, I was promptly told, would be going with the sellers. 'Thank goodness for that' I thought to myself, great big ugly things, I've never understood the fuss and yearning that seems to surround Aga cookers .... maybe its because I don't enjoy cooking or baking that I just don't get it. The sellers showed us round and gave such a rehearsed sales pitch that I think they bought their own spin and decided to stay. They took the house off the market that evening, I hope it wasn't anything I said. When we were in the back garden I asked why they were moving and Mrs said "we love the house but want somewhere with a bigger garden so my husband can have a shed for his tools". "Oh, ok" I said ....'what???' . The garden was a decent size .... "plenty of room for a shed here" I said. Maybe that was the final nail in the coffin.
House #2 ticked a lot of boxes, a bit far from a bus or tram stop, husband liked, me, not so much. The seller showed us around this house too. She was moving to Australia to live near her daughter who'd settled out there. The house was really nice on paper, and it reality ... I just didn't feel like it was "the one". One of the things that struck me as odd was when she was showing us into the bathroom, she said "the water pressure is great". I thought at the time, what a funny thing to say, its such an obvious statement like "we have electricity in the house" ... it kinda goes without saying ..... little did I know.
House #3. Fantastic. Ticked 8 boxes. This one was empty. The rooms were large, bright and airy. The back garden was a bit on the small side, I confess but nothing that immediately took it out of the running. The gentleman who had lived there previously was disabled and had a drive in lift / elevator for his wheelchair. You entered the lift in the dining room and ended up in the rear bedroom. I'm sure this was a great asset for him and enabled him to maintain his independence and stay in his home much longer that if it hadn't been there. BUT, from our point of view, we saw all the cabling and reinforced steel posts required for such a piece of machinery, not to mention a whacking great hole in the first floor. Did they not read my "must not need major structural work" comment? On further investigation of the downstairs toilet our son found a stuffed mechanical monkey, like the one in Toy Story 3, which freaked him out, understandably. Who in the world would design such a horror of a toy for children?
And that, effectively, was the end of that house.
House #4: This house was deceptively small ... (I always get confused as whether 'deceptively small' means the object was deceptive in its appearance because it looked large and was actually small, or the 'small' was deceiving and the object was large ... google assures me it is the latter, but to be clear, I mean the house looked small from the outside but went back for miles). We kinda liked it, but the layout was really unconventional which is fine if you want to be a bit kooky and unique but not fine if you need to tramp half a mile in the middle of the night to tend to a wailing child. The garden was not really happening either, it had been landscaped with gravel had a great number of climbing plants around archways which was very pretty and it gave us garden ideas for when the kids are older but didn't leave much room for garden toys and the paddling pool.
House #5. This house on paper was pretty much on point. It ticked all the boxes, its just about within budget but it meant we'd have no spare cash left for decorating or rennovating, so fingers crossed that it didn't need much work doing to it. The seller had tenants in situ. The tenants had dogs in situ. Now I love dogs, don't get me wrong. Dogs over cats any day of the week. I'm always happy to stop and pet them, I even owned one at one stage in my life (Molly dog, a very adorable collie cross from a rescue centre). These dogs were Great Danes. There were 3 of them. The Tenants were kind enough to lock them away whilst we viewed the house. It felt like the dogs had taken over. There was dog hair everywhere, they'd chewed all the furniture, the kitchen looked like it wouldn't have been out of place at Battersea Dogs Home. I know the furniture would go and the mess could be cleared but it felt like I would cleaning dog hair, decontaminating and de-pooping the back garden for a long time to come, and not enough spare cash to call in a professional cleaning crew and repaint.
By this point in the day the temperature had hiked up, the kids were getting fidgety, my husband was getting bored quite frankly and I was getting irritated that none of these houses reflected the things that we wanted. So we sat in the car outside house number 6 waiting for the agent to turn up, all of us getting hotter and more irritated by the minute. I had a great sense of foreboding when some 12 year old rocked up in his spivvy tie and suit and a clipboard. This was not going to go well.
House #6. I don't know what to say about this house. It was hard to tell whether it ticked all or any of the boxes because I couldn't get over the fact that this house was packed with boxes and things and trinkets and other unnecessary clutter than was reminiscent of Monica's secret cupboard in Friends. I think they were borderline hoarders. It felt small and we couldn't get out of there fast enough. I'm not judging how people live ... each to their own but COME ON!!! When you are selling a house you want to present it in the best possible light. Estate Agents literature will tell you to put on a pot of fresh coffee or have cookies baking in the oven when prospective buyers are coming around (maybe that's just for the Martha Stewart's of this world). Tidy up the front garden and paint the front door (first impressions count). Put a lick of paint on the walls (no-one likes finger prints and furniture marks). Replace any old / damaged bathroom suites with a basic, low cost white suite ... but above all, de-clutter and tidy the heck up!!!!
I drive past it quite regularly, it is still up for sale. Not. Really. Surprised
So we get outside and spivvy tie says "I've actually got one more property to show you" and has the audacity to look like we are in for a real treat. I flick through the schedule .....6 houses ....6 viewings. I glared at him, "its not on the schedule .... does it fit the brief?? because we've just seen 6 houses that were supposed to have ticked all the boxes ... and they ticked about 6 .... between them". "Trust me" he said "this next one is the one, its just come onto the market, I don't even have the details printed up yet". I gave him the side-eye, "trust me" he says. I looked over to my husband for his agreement to endure yet another house viewing, he gave an infinitesimal nod and we were back in the car tailing Spivvy to the next location. All the while I'm thinking "trust me??? he's an estate agent, he's right down there with the tax man, mechanics, builders and perhaps dentists when they say "this won't hurt a bit" for general trustworthiness.
So we parked just around the corner from the house and walked back, running a monologue in my head 'is this not a main road? big red cross in that box, this is going to be a waste of time'. We approached a row of four 1920's terraces and followed Spivvy towards the front door of the second. I checked out the crazy paving driveway 'space for two cars, maybe 3 at a squeeze ... we only need space for one ... the crazy paving is, of course hideous and will have to go', looked at the huge bay fronted windows, 'plantation shutters will cost a fortune on windows that size, but they do look light an airy'. By the time we reached the doorstep I'd conceded like a petulant teenager "it's ok I s'pose, I'll try to keep an open mind" .....
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